Tag Archives: masculinity

Men Aren’t Ending, And Even If They Are It’s Not Your Concern

In the American media in the 2010s, there is an entire cottage industry built around declarations of the decline of manhood. The specifics may vary: Women outnumber men in college, in the workforce, men are putting off marriage, men are extending adolescence well into adulthood, etc. But the general theme is the same: “Men” are allegedly on the endangered list.

I’m not going to link any of these articles here; they get enough mention in the mainstream media. Besides, I don’t want you to bother reading them. It’s a waste of your time as a man. It’s not that I don’t believe in having a healthy discussion or even debate about it. There’s always room for debate. However, I just don’t believe that reading the eulogies of the American/Western Male will benefit you as an individual. And I’ll tell you why:

  • Such content is sensational and meant to garner clicks, usually from women and beta males. Titles such as “The End of Men” and “Are Men Necessary?” are absolute in their suppositions and obviously designed to enrage men and cheer lead bitter, single (usually 30+ year old) women. By now we all should be aware of how the media use ridiculous banner headlines to steer traffic. Spend a day on Yahoo’s home page if you don’t believe me, but you’ll do yourself a huge favor if you avoid these kinds of hooks or at the very least read them with an enormous grain of salt. (Besides, with only two sexes, one must always be outnumbering the other at something. Why is that ever news?)
  • Whatever realms women dominate aren’t your concern. It’s true, females outnumber males in higher education, but look at what’s happened to higher education. An explosion of ridiculous humanities majors and politically correct (anti-male) speech restriction, coupled with a decline in performance in math and hard sciences. If women want to dominate the Womens Studies major to the tune of $200,000 worth of debt, let them. Likewise, whether or not they dominate in social media (i.e., being advertised to) is of little consequence to you as a man. Your role on this earth is to produce, not consume. Using social media is in and of itself not a unique talent or even a talent at all. As far as the workforce goes, recognize that a large portion of the female workforce will disappear in their 30s and 40s as they stay home to raise kids. Beyond that, whether a woman wants to be a department manager or Executive Vice President at the expense of having a family is her decision and not yours. Is it possible you will run into bitchy female colleagues or bosses in your career? Certainly. But you’ll meet all kinds of assholes wherever you go, and you’ll always have to adapt in order to deal with them as individuals. It would be great to go back to the days when men had work as an escape valve from their wives and kids, but those days are gone if they ever even existed the way we think they did. Deal with the present and plan for the future.
  • Challenges to your masculinity are just that. The two-pronged attack of the fem-centric agenda consists of 1) lambasting you for being masculine, and 2) questioning incredulously why so many men are not masculine any more. It’s simplistic to say the whole thing is a giant shit test, but that’s the way you have to look at it. There are people out there who will gain when you repress your masculine side, and you will be the loser in this zero sum game. Don’t let this happen. As a man you will always have to soldier forth boldly and without apology, and recognize attempts to rein you in as emasculation and nothing more.

As always, the best means to self-improvement and freedom is through your actions. Your words will help you too, but it is folly to get into a pissing match with people about issues such as this. If you’ve ever wasted ten minutes scrolling through the comments section of an online news article you know what I mean. You’re not on the debate squad, you’re here to produce for yourself and your family if you have one. That means saying “fuck it” to the echo chamber out there repeating the same tireless shit about men and their supposed array of faults and inadequacies. If your opinions conflict with your goals, keep them private. Your not Men, you’re A MAN, and all you can really do is make your life rewarding and enjoyable for you the way that you know best. Once you’ve accumulated some capital you can offer help to others if that’s what you want to do, but do it for your reasons and not society’s.

(I also recommend against joining movements such as “Men’s Rights.” You’re not likely to change anything in your own life, and you are likely to draw the attention of opposing groups, including the government, which will only create roadblocks to the goals of your group. You don’t need a bunch of protesters and bureaucrats to solve your problems. Be a man and figure your shit out.)

I sound like I’m writing a cabin in the woods manifesto, but that’s not really so. You needn’t drop out of society to “go your own way.” The beauty of being your own man is that if you include game, exercise, and some degree of status, you will attract women better than you would as one of the scores of beta males out there hoping to ingratiate themselves to womyn via self-castration. Rise above the cacophony, and you’ll find there are females out there whose values and desires coincide with yours and, short term or long, will want to take care of you the way a woman should.

 

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Put The Device Down

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This evening I met a girl for drinks at an upscale but relaxed hotel bar. As is often the case with women, she was about twenty minutes late. A lot of PUAs will tell you to make her wait, but I think that’s pointless advice. In any case had I decided to be ten minutes late, I still would have waited another ten minutes for her. (I cut her some slack because she was stuck at work and updated me several times with apologies. If a woman keeps you waiting without explanation longer than that, walk out that door and get on with your life. If she’s worth a second thought she’ll apologize.)

I sat myself down on a sofa and ordered a beer from the six foot tall waitress in the tight black dress. It was the end of a work day and I was feeling relaxed. I looked around me; everyone within a 90 degree radius was staring into the unblinking eye of either a cell phone, laptop, or tablet. I mean everybody.

With a smirk on my face, I sipped my beer and stared straight ahead, people watching and thinking. The waitress passed by once and asked “is everything okay?” To which I replied, everything’s great. What’s not to love about an ice cold IPA on a warm spring evening?

Once or twice my phone vibrated with an update from my date explaining she was on her way. I texted her once to let her know where I was seated, but other than that the phone stayed in my pocket. Perhaps, I thought, I looked like the weird one. Maybe people thought someone who could idly sit back and gaze at everything and nothing was just stoned. Then again, no one seemed to notice since they were all online.

The cell phone in 2013 can be a serious game killer. Tablets and laptops fall into this category too, but I’m singling out the cell/smart phone. Usually someone who brings a larger device at least intends to get some kind of work done. But the phone – that handheld glowing crystal – it truly is a wicked temptress. It’s become a crutch for the social cowards of our world.

Next time you’re in a bar or restaurant, take a look around. A good portion of the patrons there will be staring, scrolling, or typing. (A few might be using it to make a telephone call.) This of course is rude enough in the company of others, and it should go without saying that to be on your phone or paying attention to it in a friend’s presence is bad form, unless you’re looking something up to settle a debate. But consider how many people are by themselves and clinging to their phones. How many of them are doing so to avoid the appearance of doing nothing?

From a game and more specifically body language standpoint, it behooves you to resist the temptation to check your phone. It connotes a kind of nervous energy and dependency that does not serve you well. Similar to the guy who walks into a joint only to put his hands in his pockets and look around sheepishly, the guy who whips out his iPhone or Android, repeatedly checking for emails/texts/sports scores and the like, is conveying a certain lack of confidence. It’s the confidence to carry one’s self in a social setting.

Every time you get the urge or feel a phantom vibrate, force yourself instead to interact with someone. The person doesn’t have to be female. Your bartender is a great place to start. He or she is there to converse, and unless it’s a busy night will be happy to shoot the shit. Bartenders make for great gateways to conversations with other patrons. If at first you can’t think of anything to say, even the dumbest opener (“Some weather, huh?”) will do just fine. You’re not seducing, you’re conversing.

To take it one step further, I recommend you speak in as loud and as deep a voice as possible without shouting. Pull some attention your way. Get a couple of heads to turn when your words exit your mouth. (Don’t take it too far, however – think Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. The comedian-type can be funny for a minute or too but the constant “look at me, I’m performing” schtick will wear thin quickly.) The idea is to be the center of gravity while simultaneously opening others so they’ll feel relaxed and stimulated talking to you.

Or, if no one is readily approachable, relax. This was what I did. I was on a sofa and the guy next to me was on his laptop with headphones on; no one else was within earshot. In this circumstance don’t be embarrassed to sit and think, or even people watch. Give your eyes a break from the glare of the LCD.

(Don’t let headphones discourage you necessarily. A person – even a female – wearing headphones will still talk to the right man who opens her. If she’s cute, be that man.

Similarly, when you enter an establishment, keep your head high and your posture manly. Avoid the urge to occupy less space, if that makes sense. This is a common urge triggered by a natural desire to avoid confrontation with strangers. FUCK IT. You walk in, it’s crowded. Push through and don’t worry whose ass your hands brushed. (Don’t grope.) Make eye contact and say “excuse me” firmly but with a smile if need be. In fact, say anything. You want to show you’re socially fearless. Don’t enter and immediately start craning your neck looking for someone familiar. Worse yet do not walk in and call/text that person. You don’t need anyone else to have a good time, do you? Be the good time, grasshopper.

Slay Those Self-Limiting Beliefs

Years ago, I was talking to a female friend of mine (read: a woman I’d have fucked if I could), and was describing physically a chick I’d number-closed. “She’s tall,” I said. “I think she’s taller than me.”

My female friend laughed and said, “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (who were then an item), I retorted. “Tom Cruise is probably gay,” she reasoned.

Fast-forward years later and I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a tall, beautiful woman. She was no Amazon, but she was around my height with long legs that made her appear taller, and she was definitely taller in heels. To the best of my knowledge, nobody questions my heterosexuality.

People indulge in self-limiting beliefs all of the time, and not just in the world of romance. Careers, education, travel, friendships, all can be passed over simply because someone thought he didn’t measure up or wouldn’t be accepted. This, my dear readers, is no way to live your life, and it is definitely no way to deal with women.

Let’s go back for a minute to what my non-fuck-buddy said years ago. “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What’s underneath this sweeping pronouncement of supposed truth?

1. It’s projecting. She may have personally (thought she) preferred taller guys. Women are solipsistic by nature and will usually project their feelings, preferences, and experiences on the world and then interpret this as truth.

2. It was also a shit test. No, she wasn’t testing me because she wanted me. She was simply testing my manhood by teasing it. I was, in effect, bragging over a meager accomplishment (a number close), and she wanted to take me down a peg. At the time, it worked; I didn’t have a witty comeback (which is usually the best response).

3. Most importantly, what women say and what they do are two different things. Always remember this. Ask any woman what she wants in a man and she’ll be all too happy to recite the laundry list of important qualities she requires, a list she’s gone over with her girl friends over Mimosas and French toast at many a Sunday brunch. (Or, check out any female dating site profile.) The fact is, women will compromise on just about anything if a man comes at her with the basic female requirements of confidence, status, ambition, proof of resources or earning power, and to a lesser extent good looks and good health. When a man has alpha qualities, everything else is negotiable. I’ll bet more than a few women you know will tell you they don’t prefer bald men. Yet if a bald man in a sharp suit walks up to a woman and spits good game, it’s hello Yul Brynner. I can’t tell you how many women have told me about their boyfriends/husbands by adding, “It’s weird, he physically wasn’t really my type, but…”

The “but” of course is that the guy approached. And he did this in spite of whatever handicap society told him he possessed.

A Self-Limiting Belief is a restriction you’ve imposed on yourself when in pursuit of a goal. In seduction, it’s an outright rejection of yourself, before you’ve even given the woman a chance to reject you.

You’re engaging in Self-Limiting beliefs when you think that you’re too short, or too fat, or too bald for a woman. Or when you don’t think she’ll want to be with you because you don’t make enough money or your job isn’t exciting.

It’s self-limiting to believe that because you’re a preppy and she’s dressed like a punk, you won’t have anything in common. Or because of her race or skin color she won’t want to socialize with you. Or because you vote Republican in a liberal city, she’ll eventually find out and dislike you for your political beliefs. Or because she’s young and you’re older, or vice versa.

But it’s not just about how you match up with her. You’re also engaging in Self-Limiting Beliefs when you think that she will laugh at you, or turn her back on you. Or if you’re worried that her friends will cock-block you, or the people around you will stare at you when you hit on her. If your friends tell you “she’s out of your league” and you believe them, that’s another limit you’ve imposed on yourself.

Many of these things might be true. She could laugh at you or ignore you. She could think you’re too short or too fat or simply not her type. But how will you know until and unless you’ve tried? Let HER be the one to reject you; don’t reject yourself.

If she doesn’t want to give you her number or dance, then congratulations. You’ve approached and been rejected. Take it from me, it’s a much better feeling than letting her get away without trying.

Rest assured, if she’s not attracted to you then and there, it is not because of some “universal truth” about what women want. It’s only because of what she wanted in that time and space. You’ll never know the real reasons, so accept lack of interest for what it is and move on to the next woman.

And if she’s rude or her reasons seem superficial, then she did you a favor. She let you know her values at the outset. Why would you want to spend time with someone like that anyway? There will be plenty of females out there who will look past your differences and enjoy what the two of you have in common.

When women you know tell you what they want in a man, or what kind of woman would be right for you, smile and nod politely. When your buddies tell you someone is out of your league, don’t waste your breath arguing. You probably won’t convince them, and anyway they’re likely all swimming in their own cesspools of self-limiting beliefs.

Instead, demonstrate through your actions that you don’t care what they think. If you approach and game enough women, you will eventually get the types that YOU want. Date a taller woman, or a woman of a different race. Don’t do it to prove anybody wrong, necessarily. Do it because they’re the kinds of women that you want to date or bang. Again, I repeat, you must approach a great deal of females to get the ones you want, so don’t be discouraged when you get rejected. Be happy – by approaching, you’ve just done what 90% of men, including most of your friends, are too chickenshit to do. And what most women dream the men they know would do.

Only through ignoring self-limiting beliefs and risking rejection will you really know if you weren’t the right man at that moment. And you may find out that indeed you ARE the right man.

Happy hunting.

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

There’s a thread going on over at SoSuave.com’s discussion board about the recently emerging online groupies of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. User PlayHer Man, who started the thread, opines [emphases his],

The bottomline is.. women love beta male[s], BUT they have wet dreams about evil sociopaths like the Boston terrorist and Tony Soprano.

Not sure if its the power these men have over others or just the evil alone that attracts women. But if anyone is still having the nice guy vs. Bad boy argument, I think it was settled a long time ago.

Ah, Nice guys v. Jerks. The debate to end all debate in the seduction community. It’s never-ending and impossible to deliver a substantial verdict, mainly because it is discussed in so many forms and contexts. But the bottom line argument is: Women Dig Jerks. The corollary, of course, is that Nice Guys Finish Last.

Before we get to Tsarnaev, I think it’s interesting that PlayHer Man mentioned the Tony Soprano character (from HBO’s The Sopranos, for those in the dark). I’ve been watching a lot of Sopranos reruns lately; the show’s characters are well-written and offer a peculiar glimpse into the human condition. Tony, of course, is the capo di tutti capi, the boss of bosses. He is undeniably alpha, and the writers leave little room for doubt on this point. Once in a great while, Tony might be a situational beta, or he might display beta behaviors (usually in his scenes with Dr. Melfi). Otherwise, he is a man to be feared and respected, and of course he pulls all kinds of ass in addition to more or less keeping his wife within his frame.

Now I’m not suggesting you get “connected” (any more than I’d suggest you enlist in jihad). What Tony does for a living is not the point. The point is that he has the right combination of alpha ingredients: Status, wealth/resources, confidence, game, with his looks coming in last. Of course he’s a fictional character and to a certain extent a male fantasy, but his character demonstrates that being a criminal and a murderer does not preclude a man from dipping his pen in many inkwells. Quite the contrary.

Tsarnaev, on the other hand, is a different example. For one, he operates in the real world. We know far less about him, though we have gleaned some details over the past few weeks. His current positioning as some kind of fringe heartthrob owes more to his fame and notoriety than his wicked deeds. Of course, his fame is a direct result of those deeds, and we could have a debate about the media’s role in all of this. But suffice to say that having your photo and name plastered all over the news and internet will result in a cottage industry of horny females wondering what you might be like in bed. These women may not seem like the kind you’d bring home to mom, but how can you be sure what strange fantasies lurk in the mind of your woman?

These are two extreme cases of, with all due respect to those hurt by such tragedies, the Bad Boy archetype. What can we learn from them?

First and foremost, that women will indulge in fantasies involving men who are, in some way, “bad.” One needn’t look any further than the wild success of 50 Shades Of Grey to understand this. And of course women, especially younger women, will date/fuck men who give them the kind of thrill that only comes from the disapproval of others.

So what’s a Nice Guy to do? You’re obviously not interested in criminality (I hope). And you can’t afford a motorcycle right now. Allow me to help.

1. Be playfully mischievous and insubordinate. Tease her. Cut in line with her. Answer her questions with smart ass or joke comebacks. Pull her hair. Keep a pair of handcuffs on your nightstand in full view. The idea is to show her you’re not afraid of her and aren’t like other guys. You must have a little devil in you, like the schoolyard boy who avoids girls with cooties.

2. Be mysterious. This plays to a woman’s fantasies. Remember, it matters less what you’ve done than what you tell her, or don’t tell her. In the early going of seduction or courtship, it behooves you to be discreet about your history, your activities, and your “morals.” I’m not suggesting you lie or cover up some major fact (e.g., you’re married). What I am suggesting is you let your story be unraveled by the woman. Drop little pieces of bait here and there, answer questions vaguely, or better yet laugh them off. (This goes double for any questions about your sexual past, which should always remain mysterious.) Believe it or not, most of us lead ordinary 9-to-5 lives with, one hopes, a few interesting hobbies sprinkled in. If you’re an open book, she’ll get all the information she needs and toss you in the recycling bin. Let her construct her own version of your life, so she has something to chew on with her girlfriends when they’re asking about you.

These are but two ingredients for your new Jerk/Bad Boy persona. There will be more to mention in the posts ahead. Remember that when people disparage “nice guys,” they’re really bemoaning a form of game that’s an attempt to negotiate favors, goods, and compliments for sex. There are other layers to the nice guy that need addressing as well (being a doormat, or apologizing too often, for example), but the bottom line is the Nice Guy is a guy who’s been programmed by Disney to expect sexual reward and loyalty for his (supposed) valiance. Thus a final rule to add to this post will be that what women say they want and what they want are usually two different things. The best way to differentiate is to open your eyes and close your ears, naturally.

An Introduction

I’m going to open with one of those self-help book openings: Congratulations. If you’re here, it most likely means you’re looking for answers. Whether you yourself are male or female, you’ve stumbled upon a blog that’s here to help. This blog, obviously, is male-centric, but is welcome to any and all readers. Its focus is to help out the modern male, in a world that’s abundant in female-oriented guidance and advocacy. That’s not to criticize the female oriented. It just means that The Universal Male will be a beacon for men. I don’t claim to have a monopoly on answers or truth or even opinion, so I will welcome debate and disagreement. I will, whenever possible, seek truth – and it may not always be pretty.

It’s easier for me to explain what this blog isn’t first. It isn’t a “Men’s Rights” blog. Although I may agree with some of the tenets of that movement as it were, I’m not an advocate of assembling, protesting, legislating, and the like to find happiness. This is also not an Evo-Psych blog. If I have a faith it’s science, but I’m not qualified necessarily to go beyond layman’s knowledge of evolution, psychology, biology, or any other such field. We can discuss it, but don’t take what you read here as the final word. (That should go for anything you read, anywhere.) And finally this is not a Politics blog. Discussion of current events will be unavoidable, but I’m not here to tell you whom to vote for, what cause to support, or whom to hate. I’m going to do my best to avoid firebrand statements and moral grandstanding; if I slip, I’m only human.

I’m here to write about self-improvement and growth as a man on this tiny blue marble. Part of it will involve tips on seducing the fairer sex. With all due respect to homosexual men, who again are welcome here, the overall thrust (ha) of my romantic advice will be toward enjoying the company of females. But as we say in the seduction world, women are really only a byproduct of happiness, so we’re going to focus on exactly that. Your happiness, your sovereignty, your independence, your choices, and your consequences. I can be wordy at times, but I will try to boil things down as simply as possible.

And now, since we are dabbling in the language arts, I’m going to end this first post with a personal anecdote.

During my teen years, I was unlucky with females. Actually “unlucky” may be the wrong word, since that would imply trial and error. I was just clueless. I had gone to a very small private junior high, with few choices and zero discretion when it came to “dating.” When I went with a girl to a movie, everyone knew. By high school, I had figured out how to be popular (make jokes, be a smartass in class) but still not how to leverage that into girlie action. Instead I became an emotional tampon for my female “friends,” who deep down I wanted to bang but could never figure out how to go about it.

By my junior year I had mustered the nuts to ask a younger girl out. I’ll call her Catherine. We had bonded in a school play and I figured I had some coin with her. On our first date, I made it to make-out, then immediately negotiated to “go steady.” I was let down easy.

Off and on over the next year of so, I chased this girl. One girl. I knew Catherine went out with other boys, but I couldn’t shake my sniper’s mentality. I figured if I attacked her from enough angles, she’d cave. The cycle was typical: We’d have a good time on a date, kiss a little, then she’d break my heart and tell me we should be friends. I’d do silly things like buy flowers or tell her how crazy I was about her, and she’d tell me I was a nice guy and really sweet.

Finally, by my final semester, I’d had it. Even a chump has a breaking point, right? I decided I was through chasing her and even told her as much to her face. In reality I wanted to lick a boob, any boob, and get my dick wet. There were other girls at my school. I started asking out a couple of different ones, including a friend of Catherine’s.

Lo and behold what should happen but Catherine tells me she wants to be with me. And it wasn’t just lip service this time. She threw herself physically at me. We dated my last few months of high school.

A friend of mine later commented on how I “wore Catherine down.” In other words, he believed my persistent beta actions finally got her panties to drop. I wasn’t totally unplugged then, but I did understand that this wasn’t true at all.

“I didn’t wear her down,” I rebutted. “I stopped paying attention to her. That’s when she chased me.

The lesson then, as I’m sure you’ve figured out, is that your attention (or lack thereof) is your most powerful weapon when interacting with women. Certainly you will need to give some attention in order to signal interest and build rapport. But subsequent withdrawal of attention can be equally powerful. There will be different levels of pulling back as dictated by each situation, and I’ll get to those in future posts. But always remember that attention is a tool, and its absence can be just as useful to you when finding balance in seduction. It’s especially useful when you’re not getting what you want out of a relationship; in a case like mine with Catherine, it had less to do with seducing her than with me keeping my sanity and not being a doormat. If Catherine had never talked to me again I still would have been happier for having the self-respect to walk away from a frustrating situation. Remember that life is short and to spend it trying to ply someone whose interests don’t coincide with yours is a colossal waste of your time.