Tag Archives: attraction

Put The Device Down

https://i1.wp.com/www.bestofneworleans.com/binary/8c75/swiz_iwine-1.jpg

This evening I met a girl for drinks at an upscale but relaxed hotel bar. As is often the case with women, she was about twenty minutes late. A lot of PUAs will tell you to make her wait, but I think that’s pointless advice. In any case had I decided to be ten minutes late, I still would have waited another ten minutes for her. (I cut her some slack because she was stuck at work and updated me several times with apologies. If a woman keeps you waiting without explanation longer than that, walk out that door and get on with your life. If she’s worth a second thought she’ll apologize.)

I sat myself down on a sofa and ordered a beer from the six foot tall waitress in the tight black dress. It was the end of a work day and I was feeling relaxed. I looked around me; everyone within a 90 degree radius was staring into the unblinking eye of either a cell phone, laptop, or tablet. I mean everybody.

With a smirk on my face, I sipped my beer and stared straight ahead, people watching and thinking. The waitress passed by once and asked “is everything okay?” To which I replied, everything’s great. What’s not to love about an ice cold IPA on a warm spring evening?

Once or twice my phone vibrated with an update from my date explaining she was on her way. I texted her once to let her know where I was seated, but other than that the phone stayed in my pocket. Perhaps, I thought, I looked like the weird one. Maybe people thought someone who could idly sit back and gaze at everything and nothing was just stoned. Then again, no one seemed to notice since they were all online.

The cell phone in 2013 can be a serious game killer. Tablets and laptops fall into this category too, but I’m singling out the cell/smart phone. Usually someone who brings a larger device at least intends to get some kind of work done. But the phone – that handheld glowing crystal – it truly is a wicked temptress. It’s become a crutch for the social cowards of our world.

Next time you’re in a bar or restaurant, take a look around. A good portion of the patrons there will be staring, scrolling, or typing. (A few might be using it to make a telephone call.) This of course is rude enough in the company of others, and it should go without saying that to be on your phone or paying attention to it in a friend’s presence is bad form, unless you’re looking something up to settle a debate. But consider how many people are by themselves and clinging to their phones. How many of them are doing so to avoid the appearance of doing nothing?

From a game and more specifically body language standpoint, it behooves you to resist the temptation to check your phone. It connotes a kind of nervous energy and dependency that does not serve you well. Similar to the guy who walks into a joint only to put his hands in his pockets and look around sheepishly, the guy who whips out his iPhone or Android, repeatedly checking for emails/texts/sports scores and the like, is conveying a certain lack of confidence. It’s the confidence to carry one’s self in a social setting.

Every time you get the urge or feel a phantom vibrate, force yourself instead to interact with someone. The person doesn’t have to be female. Your bartender is a great place to start. He or she is there to converse, and unless it’s a busy night will be happy to shoot the shit. Bartenders make for great gateways to conversations with other patrons. If at first you can’t think of anything to say, even the dumbest opener (“Some weather, huh?”) will do just fine. You’re not seducing, you’re conversing.

To take it one step further, I recommend you speak in as loud and as deep a voice as possible without shouting. Pull some attention your way. Get a couple of heads to turn when your words exit your mouth. (Don’t take it too far, however – think Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. The comedian-type can be funny for a minute or too but the constant “look at me, I’m performing” schtick will wear thin quickly.) The idea is to be the center of gravity while simultaneously opening others so they’ll feel relaxed and stimulated talking to you.

Or, if no one is readily approachable, relax. This was what I did. I was on a sofa and the guy next to me was on his laptop with headphones on; no one else was within earshot. In this circumstance don’t be embarrassed to sit and think, or even people watch. Give your eyes a break from the glare of the LCD.

(Don’t let headphones discourage you necessarily. A person – even a female – wearing headphones will still talk to the right man who opens her. If she’s cute, be that man.

Similarly, when you enter an establishment, keep your head high and your posture manly. Avoid the urge to occupy less space, if that makes sense. This is a common urge triggered by a natural desire to avoid confrontation with strangers. FUCK IT. You walk in, it’s crowded. Push through and don’t worry whose ass your hands brushed. (Don’t grope.) Make eye contact and say “excuse me” firmly but with a smile if need be. In fact, say anything. You want to show you’re socially fearless. Don’t enter and immediately start craning your neck looking for someone familiar. Worse yet do not walk in and call/text that person. You don’t need anyone else to have a good time, do you? Be the good time, grasshopper.

Slay Those Self-Limiting Beliefs

Years ago, I was talking to a female friend of mine (read: a woman I’d have fucked if I could), and was describing physically a chick I’d number-closed. “She’s tall,” I said. “I think she’s taller than me.”

My female friend laughed and said, “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (who were then an item), I retorted. “Tom Cruise is probably gay,” she reasoned.

Fast-forward years later and I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a tall, beautiful woman. She was no Amazon, but she was around my height with long legs that made her appear taller, and she was definitely taller in heels. To the best of my knowledge, nobody questions my heterosexuality.

People indulge in self-limiting beliefs all of the time, and not just in the world of romance. Careers, education, travel, friendships, all can be passed over simply because someone thought he didn’t measure up or wouldn’t be accepted. This, my dear readers, is no way to live your life, and it is definitely no way to deal with women.

Let’s go back for a minute to what my non-fuck-buddy said years ago. “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What’s underneath this sweeping pronouncement of supposed truth?

1. It’s projecting. She may have personally (thought she) preferred taller guys. Women are solipsistic by nature and will usually project their feelings, preferences, and experiences on the world and then interpret this as truth.

2. It was also a shit test. No, she wasn’t testing me because she wanted me. She was simply testing my manhood by teasing it. I was, in effect, bragging over a meager accomplishment (a number close), and she wanted to take me down a peg. At the time, it worked; I didn’t have a witty comeback (which is usually the best response).

3. Most importantly, what women say and what they do are two different things. Always remember this. Ask any woman what she wants in a man and she’ll be all too happy to recite the laundry list of important qualities she requires, a list she’s gone over with her girl friends over Mimosas and French toast at many a Sunday brunch. (Or, check out any female dating site profile.) The fact is, women will compromise on just about anything if a man comes at her with the basic female requirements of confidence, status, ambition, proof of resources or earning power, and to a lesser extent good looks and good health. When a man has alpha qualities, everything else is negotiable. I’ll bet more than a few women you know will tell you they don’t prefer bald men. Yet if a bald man in a sharp suit walks up to a woman and spits good game, it’s hello Yul Brynner. I can’t tell you how many women have told me about their boyfriends/husbands by adding, “It’s weird, he physically wasn’t really my type, but…”

The “but” of course is that the guy approached. And he did this in spite of whatever handicap society told him he possessed.

A Self-Limiting Belief is a restriction you’ve imposed on yourself when in pursuit of a goal. In seduction, it’s an outright rejection of yourself, before you’ve even given the woman a chance to reject you.

You’re engaging in Self-Limiting beliefs when you think that you’re too short, or too fat, or too bald for a woman. Or when you don’t think she’ll want to be with you because you don’t make enough money or your job isn’t exciting.

It’s self-limiting to believe that because you’re a preppy and she’s dressed like a punk, you won’t have anything in common. Or because of her race or skin color she won’t want to socialize with you. Or because you vote Republican in a liberal city, she’ll eventually find out and dislike you for your political beliefs. Or because she’s young and you’re older, or vice versa.

But it’s not just about how you match up with her. You’re also engaging in Self-Limiting Beliefs when you think that she will laugh at you, or turn her back on you. Or if you’re worried that her friends will cock-block you, or the people around you will stare at you when you hit on her. If your friends tell you “she’s out of your league” and you believe them, that’s another limit you’ve imposed on yourself.

Many of these things might be true. She could laugh at you or ignore you. She could think you’re too short or too fat or simply not her type. But how will you know until and unless you’ve tried? Let HER be the one to reject you; don’t reject yourself.

If she doesn’t want to give you her number or dance, then congratulations. You’ve approached and been rejected. Take it from me, it’s a much better feeling than letting her get away without trying.

Rest assured, if she’s not attracted to you then and there, it is not because of some “universal truth” about what women want. It’s only because of what she wanted in that time and space. You’ll never know the real reasons, so accept lack of interest for what it is and move on to the next woman.

And if she’s rude or her reasons seem superficial, then she did you a favor. She let you know her values at the outset. Why would you want to spend time with someone like that anyway? There will be plenty of females out there who will look past your differences and enjoy what the two of you have in common.

When women you know tell you what they want in a man, or what kind of woman would be right for you, smile and nod politely. When your buddies tell you someone is out of your league, don’t waste your breath arguing. You probably won’t convince them, and anyway they’re likely all swimming in their own cesspools of self-limiting beliefs.

Instead, demonstrate through your actions that you don’t care what they think. If you approach and game enough women, you will eventually get the types that YOU want. Date a taller woman, or a woman of a different race. Don’t do it to prove anybody wrong, necessarily. Do it because they’re the kinds of women that you want to date or bang. Again, I repeat, you must approach a great deal of females to get the ones you want, so don’t be discouraged when you get rejected. Be happy – by approaching, you’ve just done what 90% of men, including most of your friends, are too chickenshit to do. And what most women dream the men they know would do.

Only through ignoring self-limiting beliefs and risking rejection will you really know if you weren’t the right man at that moment. And you may find out that indeed you ARE the right man.

Happy hunting.

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

There’s a thread going on over at SoSuave.com’s discussion board about the recently emerging online groupies of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. User PlayHer Man, who started the thread, opines [emphases his],

The bottomline is.. women love beta male[s], BUT they have wet dreams about evil sociopaths like the Boston terrorist and Tony Soprano.

Not sure if its the power these men have over others or just the evil alone that attracts women. But if anyone is still having the nice guy vs. Bad boy argument, I think it was settled a long time ago.

Ah, Nice guys v. Jerks. The debate to end all debate in the seduction community. It’s never-ending and impossible to deliver a substantial verdict, mainly because it is discussed in so many forms and contexts. But the bottom line argument is: Women Dig Jerks. The corollary, of course, is that Nice Guys Finish Last.

Before we get to Tsarnaev, I think it’s interesting that PlayHer Man mentioned the Tony Soprano character (from HBO’s The Sopranos, for those in the dark). I’ve been watching a lot of Sopranos reruns lately; the show’s characters are well-written and offer a peculiar glimpse into the human condition. Tony, of course, is the capo di tutti capi, the boss of bosses. He is undeniably alpha, and the writers leave little room for doubt on this point. Once in a great while, Tony might be a situational beta, or he might display beta behaviors (usually in his scenes with Dr. Melfi). Otherwise, he is a man to be feared and respected, and of course he pulls all kinds of ass in addition to more or less keeping his wife within his frame.

Now I’m not suggesting you get “connected” (any more than I’d suggest you enlist in jihad). What Tony does for a living is not the point. The point is that he has the right combination of alpha ingredients: Status, wealth/resources, confidence, game, with his looks coming in last. Of course he’s a fictional character and to a certain extent a male fantasy, but his character demonstrates that being a criminal and a murderer does not preclude a man from dipping his pen in many inkwells. Quite the contrary.

Tsarnaev, on the other hand, is a different example. For one, he operates in the real world. We know far less about him, though we have gleaned some details over the past few weeks. His current positioning as some kind of fringe heartthrob owes more to his fame and notoriety than his wicked deeds. Of course, his fame is a direct result of those deeds, and we could have a debate about the media’s role in all of this. But suffice to say that having your photo and name plastered all over the news and internet will result in a cottage industry of horny females wondering what you might be like in bed. These women may not seem like the kind you’d bring home to mom, but how can you be sure what strange fantasies lurk in the mind of your woman?

These are two extreme cases of, with all due respect to those hurt by such tragedies, the Bad Boy archetype. What can we learn from them?

First and foremost, that women will indulge in fantasies involving men who are, in some way, “bad.” One needn’t look any further than the wild success of 50 Shades Of Grey to understand this. And of course women, especially younger women, will date/fuck men who give them the kind of thrill that only comes from the disapproval of others.

So what’s a Nice Guy to do? You’re obviously not interested in criminality (I hope). And you can’t afford a motorcycle right now. Allow me to help.

1. Be playfully mischievous and insubordinate. Tease her. Cut in line with her. Answer her questions with smart ass or joke comebacks. Pull her hair. Keep a pair of handcuffs on your nightstand in full view. The idea is to show her you’re not afraid of her and aren’t like other guys. You must have a little devil in you, like the schoolyard boy who avoids girls with cooties.

2. Be mysterious. This plays to a woman’s fantasies. Remember, it matters less what you’ve done than what you tell her, or don’t tell her. In the early going of seduction or courtship, it behooves you to be discreet about your history, your activities, and your “morals.” I’m not suggesting you lie or cover up some major fact (e.g., you’re married). What I am suggesting is you let your story be unraveled by the woman. Drop little pieces of bait here and there, answer questions vaguely, or better yet laugh them off. (This goes double for any questions about your sexual past, which should always remain mysterious.) Believe it or not, most of us lead ordinary 9-to-5 lives with, one hopes, a few interesting hobbies sprinkled in. If you’re an open book, she’ll get all the information she needs and toss you in the recycling bin. Let her construct her own version of your life, so she has something to chew on with her girlfriends when they’re asking about you.

These are but two ingredients for your new Jerk/Bad Boy persona. There will be more to mention in the posts ahead. Remember that when people disparage “nice guys,” they’re really bemoaning a form of game that’s an attempt to negotiate favors, goods, and compliments for sex. There are other layers to the nice guy that need addressing as well (being a doormat, or apologizing too often, for example), but the bottom line is the Nice Guy is a guy who’s been programmed by Disney to expect sexual reward and loyalty for his (supposed) valiance. Thus a final rule to add to this post will be that what women say they want and what they want are usually two different things. The best way to differentiate is to open your eyes and close your ears, naturally.