Tag Archives: approaching

Approaching Women Is Easy

 otterA lot of Game coverage is theory, sexual politics, and keyboard jockeying, but the meat and potatoes of it starts with simply approaching women. Even the doughiest betas and omegas know that a man will at some point need to walk up to a woman and talk to her if he has any hope of sleeping with her. (Whether they act on this knowledge or not is another matter.) Methods may vary, and yes we’re here to discuss which work best. But the fact of the matter is simply by talking to a strange woman you are already positioning yourself better than the majority of mankind. The average man, especially in the good old USA, is a coward.

Approach Anxiety

Most men do not open women because they get the jitters, or Approach Anxiety. Most of us have felt this and it’s completely natural. Just as you would feel butterflies before your first public speaking experience, so too might you get sweaty-palmed at the thought of talking to that cute chick in the detergent aisle. This is where most fellas will chicken out, and it’s the fulcrum on which your sex life can pivot if you learn how to do it well and often.

Anxiety is good. You’re stepping out of your comfort zone, and that’s something I will always recommend. Beyond that it’s a sign that the female target arouses you, at least at first blush. But in order to succeed you’ll have to harness your nervous energy. Eventually talking to beautiful strange women will be old hat, but in your first approaches you WILL feel nervous.

To combat this, you have to get out of your own head. If you are in need of quick rationales to tell yourself to talk to her, memorize these:

  • Talking to and even being rejected by a woman is nary a pin drop in the endless sea of time and space. You’re not that important.
  • Neither is she. She’s just a human with boobs and a vagina. You can bet SHE will never approach a stranger she likes.
  • The feeling of trying and being shot down is 1,000 times better than the feeling of knowing you let an opportunity pass you by.
  • The more you do it, the quicker you’ll become accustomed to it.
  • “I’m not in the mood” and “I don’t care” are the easiest lies to tell yourself. If you are contemplating it, you obviously are interested.
  • At the very least, you’ll make someone’s day. Who doesn’t like to hear they caught someone’s eye?
  • Your male friends will become jealous. Your female acquaintances may begin to find you mysterious.
  • Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.

Say Something – Anything

Another factor of AA is that the man is tongue-tied or clueless what to say to the woman. In movies we’ve seen it a million times, and either the guy is a smooth Cary Grant type or he’s comedic yet alluring (like Otter hitting on the dean’s wife in Animal House). In real life, it seems like torture trying to think of the right thing to say, and as we rack our brains we get even MORE anxious.

Just say something. Even the dumbest remark (“Some weather, huh?”) is better than stalling or forcing a contrived pick-up line. You see a woman, and within 2-3 seconds words should be coming out of your mouth. Ideally you should comment on something on her person or (if it’s a supermarket, for example) in her cart. “Is that detergent any good?”

In Roosh’s book Day Bang, he emphasizes the importance of innocuous questions and banter during the day. As he explains, women at night are often out for blood, and can be approached much more directly and with plenty of cocky and funny attitude. During the day, however, shields are up, so you’ll want to make your conversation indirect and light. I really recommend this book for daytime pickups (read: number closes). In it Roosh offers up some good routines to memorize and adjustments to make depending on venue. I’m not being paid to plug his book; I just don’t want to rip him off since the guy worked so hard to get it right. I DO recommend reading it.

Keep It Short – But Not Too Short

You got the words to come out and she’s smiling. Great job. Here’s another moment where a lot of guys might trip up. I know – I’ve messed up plenty of times here.

On the one hand, you want to end things early and (hopefully) on your terms. That is, don’t talk until she tires of you, and don’t let her be the one to say she’s gotta get going. It won’t be the end of the world if she does, but you must keep things in the 5-10 minute range (and ten minutes is a long time – you’d better be killing).

An older woman once struck up a conversation with me in the dairy aisle. Now, I love talking to the elderly, and she was very sweet. But for the love of God, she simply did not know how to end a daytime encounter between strangers. Every time I thought I’d pulled away on a closing note she’d resuscitate the dying conversation and I’d politely indulge another minute or two. By the time I’d finally pulled away I was exhausted and hoped I’d never see here again – especially since I practically knew her life story. (She later intercepted me in another aisle.) It’s an extreme example, and she wasn’t aiming for anything romantic (I don’t think), but the point is to keep within the proper bounds of time. After all, you’re a busy guy. Don’t be the talkative elderly lady.

On the other hand, don’t go in for the rush job. In my younger days, when I was just out of college and had just discovered SoSuave.com and other seduction sites, I figured a dose of confidence and ballsiness was all I needed and the women would be putty in my hands. “I saw you from across the store and figured I’d walk up to you and ask you out,” I’d say like I was George Clooney. (If you are George Clooney, go right ahead and do this.) Let me tell you, I know it took balls, because a lot of my targets told me as much. You know how many resulted in a lay? Exactly one.

You’re going to blindside a woman if you engage in this kind of guerilla game. Again, at night, in a club or bar, you’ve got plenty more latitude. During the day you want get some rapport going before the number close.

Talk To Everybody

I’m purposely leaving out the “what” you should be talking about when you approach women. Here’s a little secret: It doesn’t matter, and the less shit you try to memorize, the better. The key is for you to be outgoing and effortlessly conversant, no matter who it is you’re talking to.

A great way to get the ball rolling is to widen your net and talk to all kinds of people out there. Yes, that includes other men, the elderly, the unattractive, even the outwardly rude. When you set foot out the door, you should be a Chatty Cathy ready to talk to anyone you want. to. You’ll be surprised how many introverts out there love a little banter. The butcher, the Fed Ex guy, the teller at the bank. People in bad moods are my favorite. As soon as I can tell the cashier is in a bitchy mood, I do my best to wear a shit-eating grin and get her to laugh. Sometimes it takes a little empathy – “can you believe how rude some customers are?” – but if I can get someone to lighten up and smile, I’ve done my job.

Make a habit of being an extrovert and you’ll find it easy to talk to anyone, including the babes you want to bring home. Your heart may still skip a beat when you see a good looking female, but you’ll be far better prepared to treat her like an ugly old man (if you get what I mean).

Steer clear of the obvious, meaning religion, politics, and anything overtly sexual. You may be able to slip in a political observation or joke if you know your audience and know it’s safe to discuss. (Example: NYC Mayor Bloomberg’s attempt at a soda ban.) Better to keep it light though. People have enough shit in their lives without hearing what you think about immigration or drones.

Tell Her To Give You Her Number

Don’t ask. In general, if you are to be a Man, remember that you’ve got to tell her what to do. Asking is submissive and should be saved for rare occasions. “Give me your number, maybe we can talk more over a drink.” Again, keep it simple, and with a smile on your face. If you’re too serious you’ll seem domineering (in the wrong way). Don’t smile too much either though; act like you’ve been there before. I don’t care if you’re the farthest thing from Mr. Clooney looks-wise, EVERYBODY has a seductive smile they can summon. Work on yours in front of the mirror.

The number close should mark the END of your encounter – excuse yourself and get out of there.

If She Says ‘No,’ Move On

Her reasons are irrelevant. Lack of interest is lack of interest. Don’t take rejection personally. Just respond with something simple like, “Hey I understand. It was nice talking to you. Have a great day.” Keep that smile on your face. And then again excuse yourself – you’re done either way.

There are a lot of details I’ve left out, but the general idea is to get you motivated to get out there and talk to people. Keep in mind that you will be shot down many, many times. It is, as they say, a numbers game. But that’s a good thing – it will inoculate you against the “humiliation” of rejection that paralyzes so many men out there. The less you care about your success or failure, the more confident you’ll be, and the more likely a woman will be to find you attractive. Once you start getting numbers and dates, you’ll be a man with sexual capital, and you’ll be ready to go out and spend it. Happy hunting.

Put The Device Down

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This evening I met a girl for drinks at an upscale but relaxed hotel bar. As is often the case with women, she was about twenty minutes late. A lot of PUAs will tell you to make her wait, but I think that’s pointless advice. In any case had I decided to be ten minutes late, I still would have waited another ten minutes for her. (I cut her some slack because she was stuck at work and updated me several times with apologies. If a woman keeps you waiting without explanation longer than that, walk out that door and get on with your life. If she’s worth a second thought she’ll apologize.)

I sat myself down on a sofa and ordered a beer from the six foot tall waitress in the tight black dress. It was the end of a work day and I was feeling relaxed. I looked around me; everyone within a 90 degree radius was staring into the unblinking eye of either a cell phone, laptop, or tablet. I mean everybody.

With a smirk on my face, I sipped my beer and stared straight ahead, people watching and thinking. The waitress passed by once and asked “is everything okay?” To which I replied, everything’s great. What’s not to love about an ice cold IPA on a warm spring evening?

Once or twice my phone vibrated with an update from my date explaining she was on her way. I texted her once to let her know where I was seated, but other than that the phone stayed in my pocket. Perhaps, I thought, I looked like the weird one. Maybe people thought someone who could idly sit back and gaze at everything and nothing was just stoned. Then again, no one seemed to notice since they were all online.

The cell phone in 2013 can be a serious game killer. Tablets and laptops fall into this category too, but I’m singling out the cell/smart phone. Usually someone who brings a larger device at least intends to get some kind of work done. But the phone – that handheld glowing crystal – it truly is a wicked temptress. It’s become a crutch for the social cowards of our world.

Next time you’re in a bar or restaurant, take a look around. A good portion of the patrons there will be staring, scrolling, or typing. (A few might be using it to make a telephone call.) This of course is rude enough in the company of others, and it should go without saying that to be on your phone or paying attention to it in a friend’s presence is bad form, unless you’re looking something up to settle a debate. But consider how many people are by themselves and clinging to their phones. How many of them are doing so to avoid the appearance of doing nothing?

From a game and more specifically body language standpoint, it behooves you to resist the temptation to check your phone. It connotes a kind of nervous energy and dependency that does not serve you well. Similar to the guy who walks into a joint only to put his hands in his pockets and look around sheepishly, the guy who whips out his iPhone or Android, repeatedly checking for emails/texts/sports scores and the like, is conveying a certain lack of confidence. It’s the confidence to carry one’s self in a social setting.

Every time you get the urge or feel a phantom vibrate, force yourself instead to interact with someone. The person doesn’t have to be female. Your bartender is a great place to start. He or she is there to converse, and unless it’s a busy night will be happy to shoot the shit. Bartenders make for great gateways to conversations with other patrons. If at first you can’t think of anything to say, even the dumbest opener (“Some weather, huh?”) will do just fine. You’re not seducing, you’re conversing.

To take it one step further, I recommend you speak in as loud and as deep a voice as possible without shouting. Pull some attention your way. Get a couple of heads to turn when your words exit your mouth. (Don’t take it too far, however – think Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. The comedian-type can be funny for a minute or too but the constant “look at me, I’m performing” schtick will wear thin quickly.) The idea is to be the center of gravity while simultaneously opening others so they’ll feel relaxed and stimulated talking to you.

Or, if no one is readily approachable, relax. This was what I did. I was on a sofa and the guy next to me was on his laptop with headphones on; no one else was within earshot. In this circumstance don’t be embarrassed to sit and think, or even people watch. Give your eyes a break from the glare of the LCD.

(Don’t let headphones discourage you necessarily. A person – even a female – wearing headphones will still talk to the right man who opens her. If she’s cute, be that man.

Similarly, when you enter an establishment, keep your head high and your posture manly. Avoid the urge to occupy less space, if that makes sense. This is a common urge triggered by a natural desire to avoid confrontation with strangers. FUCK IT. You walk in, it’s crowded. Push through and don’t worry whose ass your hands brushed. (Don’t grope.) Make eye contact and say “excuse me” firmly but with a smile if need be. In fact, say anything. You want to show you’re socially fearless. Don’t enter and immediately start craning your neck looking for someone familiar. Worse yet do not walk in and call/text that person. You don’t need anyone else to have a good time, do you? Be the good time, grasshopper.

Slay Those Self-Limiting Beliefs

Years ago, I was talking to a female friend of mine (read: a woman I’d have fucked if I could), and was describing physically a chick I’d number-closed. “She’s tall,” I said. “I think she’s taller than me.”

My female friend laughed and said, “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (who were then an item), I retorted. “Tom Cruise is probably gay,” she reasoned.

Fast-forward years later and I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a tall, beautiful woman. She was no Amazon, but she was around my height with long legs that made her appear taller, and she was definitely taller in heels. To the best of my knowledge, nobody questions my heterosexuality.

People indulge in self-limiting beliefs all of the time, and not just in the world of romance. Careers, education, travel, friendships, all can be passed over simply because someone thought he didn’t measure up or wouldn’t be accepted. This, my dear readers, is no way to live your life, and it is definitely no way to deal with women.

Let’s go back for a minute to what my non-fuck-buddy said years ago. “Women don’t like to date men who are shorter than they are.” What’s underneath this sweeping pronouncement of supposed truth?

1. It’s projecting. She may have personally (thought she) preferred taller guys. Women are solipsistic by nature and will usually project their feelings, preferences, and experiences on the world and then interpret this as truth.

2. It was also a shit test. No, she wasn’t testing me because she wanted me. She was simply testing my manhood by teasing it. I was, in effect, bragging over a meager accomplishment (a number close), and she wanted to take me down a peg. At the time, it worked; I didn’t have a witty comeback (which is usually the best response).

3. Most importantly, what women say and what they do are two different things. Always remember this. Ask any woman what she wants in a man and she’ll be all too happy to recite the laundry list of important qualities she requires, a list she’s gone over with her girl friends over Mimosas and French toast at many a Sunday brunch. (Or, check out any female dating site profile.) The fact is, women will compromise on just about anything if a man comes at her with the basic female requirements of confidence, status, ambition, proof of resources or earning power, and to a lesser extent good looks and good health. When a man has alpha qualities, everything else is negotiable. I’ll bet more than a few women you know will tell you they don’t prefer bald men. Yet if a bald man in a sharp suit walks up to a woman and spits good game, it’s hello Yul Brynner. I can’t tell you how many women have told me about their boyfriends/husbands by adding, “It’s weird, he physically wasn’t really my type, but…”

The “but” of course is that the guy approached. And he did this in spite of whatever handicap society told him he possessed.

A Self-Limiting Belief is a restriction you’ve imposed on yourself when in pursuit of a goal. In seduction, it’s an outright rejection of yourself, before you’ve even given the woman a chance to reject you.

You’re engaging in Self-Limiting beliefs when you think that you’re too short, or too fat, or too bald for a woman. Or when you don’t think she’ll want to be with you because you don’t make enough money or your job isn’t exciting.

It’s self-limiting to believe that because you’re a preppy and she’s dressed like a punk, you won’t have anything in common. Or because of her race or skin color she won’t want to socialize with you. Or because you vote Republican in a liberal city, she’ll eventually find out and dislike you for your political beliefs. Or because she’s young and you’re older, or vice versa.

But it’s not just about how you match up with her. You’re also engaging in Self-Limiting Beliefs when you think that she will laugh at you, or turn her back on you. Or if you’re worried that her friends will cock-block you, or the people around you will stare at you when you hit on her. If your friends tell you “she’s out of your league” and you believe them, that’s another limit you’ve imposed on yourself.

Many of these things might be true. She could laugh at you or ignore you. She could think you’re too short or too fat or simply not her type. But how will you know until and unless you’ve tried? Let HER be the one to reject you; don’t reject yourself.

If she doesn’t want to give you her number or dance, then congratulations. You’ve approached and been rejected. Take it from me, it’s a much better feeling than letting her get away without trying.

Rest assured, if she’s not attracted to you then and there, it is not because of some “universal truth” about what women want. It’s only because of what she wanted in that time and space. You’ll never know the real reasons, so accept lack of interest for what it is and move on to the next woman.

And if she’s rude or her reasons seem superficial, then she did you a favor. She let you know her values at the outset. Why would you want to spend time with someone like that anyway? There will be plenty of females out there who will look past your differences and enjoy what the two of you have in common.

When women you know tell you what they want in a man, or what kind of woman would be right for you, smile and nod politely. When your buddies tell you someone is out of your league, don’t waste your breath arguing. You probably won’t convince them, and anyway they’re likely all swimming in their own cesspools of self-limiting beliefs.

Instead, demonstrate through your actions that you don’t care what they think. If you approach and game enough women, you will eventually get the types that YOU want. Date a taller woman, or a woman of a different race. Don’t do it to prove anybody wrong, necessarily. Do it because they’re the kinds of women that you want to date or bang. Again, I repeat, you must approach a great deal of females to get the ones you want, so don’t be discouraged when you get rejected. Be happy – by approaching, you’ve just done what 90% of men, including most of your friends, are too chickenshit to do. And what most women dream the men they know would do.

Only through ignoring self-limiting beliefs and risking rejection will you really know if you weren’t the right man at that moment. And you may find out that indeed you ARE the right man.

Happy hunting.